Wasting Time...

So, I had my classroom observation last week and my post-ob conference was today.  As I imagined, it was a total waste of time.  I must say that my kids are extremely well-bahaved, so whever I get observed, that helps a lot.  I can pretty much predict their behavior, who's going to participate, and who's going to zone out, so I already know how to gear that particular moment of teaching.  This time was no different.  When I met with her for my post-ob, something just felt off though.  I don't know if I'm just different because I know I'm done, but it felt that she was wanting to make plans for things that won't happen.  I tried to humor her, but honestly, I'm not sure what she expected from me.  Anyway, I'm happy to report that I have about another week and a half of work until I'm done.  I plan on sending out a letter to my classroom parents this Friday letting them know that I will not be returning after Christmas break.  I don't anticipate that I'll have too much drana, and I hope I'm right.

Speaking about wastes of times, there's something that's been on my mind about a friend, but I'm not sure if I'm being judgemental.  I have a friend that's been TTC for about 4-5 years already.  At first I didn't know they were having trouble, but after being on TB, 4-5 can definitely be classifie as TTTC.  Since I met her through another friend and I was still a little guarded about our own TTTC, I wasn't as open as I could've been to her.  Anyway, as time went on, she and I started talking on our own and really opened up to each other about our struggles.  After talking to her several times, I realized just how fortunate J and I are to have such great IF coverage under his insurance.  My friend has ZERO coverage, meaning that all of their appointments, treatments, procedures, etc. are 100% out-of-pocket (OOP).  Honestly, I felt bad and I felt extremely helpless.  I almost wish that just like I donated my meds to someone, I could donate some of my IF coverage to her.  It makes me so sad that couple struggling to build their families are held back by their finances, when there are so many parasites that won't stop reproducing and pawning off their financial responsibilities on the system.

I would never think that trying to have a baby is a waste of time but in her situation, I wonder if the way she's going about it is counterproductive.  What do I mean?  Well, my friend and her husband decided to move forward with IUI just like we did.  The difference is that unlike J and I, they are not having ANY monitoring appointments.  They did not have any u/s, bloodwork, or anything other than Clomid and the actual IUI.  This scares me...a lot.  First, Clomid is not candy; Clomid can cause cysts, overstimulate your ovaries, and thin out your uterine lining to the point that even if the egg was fertilized, implantation could be jeopardized.  Second, without proper monitoring, even if you're "regular" in your cycles, you won't know exactly when it's time for ovulation.  Having an IUI too soon or too late after ovulation is kind of pointless because in either instance, there is no egg to fertilize.  You have either missed the egg and it's gone or it hasn't matured yet, so it will not be fertilized.

This is where I wonder if the way she's going about her treatment is a waste of time.  I'm not judging, I'm truly and honestly wondering if her efforts are worthwhile.  Sure, if the IUI were to work, then it's all good!  Even though she won't necessarily be educated on the "right" way to handle a medicated/IUI cycle, she'll have her beautiful baby.  If it doesn't work however, then is she just creating more heartbreak for herself?  I mean, I've been there.  I did like 3 unmonitored cycles with Clomid and honestly, those BFNs were even more heartbreaking to me because the hope that Clomid would do something was there.  It wasn't until I became educated on the risks/benefits of Clomid and really had a chance with proper treatment that I understood the need for monitoring to give myself the optimum chance to get pregnant.  By the way, my friend's first IUI didn't work, which makes wonder how effective her course of treatment really is.  I hope that sooner or later everything will just work out for her...

When you don't write for a while, there sure is a lot to vent about!

I'm very, very overwhelmed right now!  Baby C is treating me pretty well and it's awesome feeling he/she move but aside from that and my marriage, I'm just over everything.

I'm about 2 weeks away from my last day at Last School.  I finally pulled the trigger and turned in my resignation signed for December 23rd.  This is a huge step, but it's necessary...being a teacher is killing my soul slowly.  I know, I know that sounds totally dramatic, but I swear that teaching has been my biggest mistake and my biggest regret to date.  I'm totally the poster child for making bad career decisions.  As I get closer to my last day, I just get more and more antsy and annoyed whenever anything "extra" is required of me at work.  For example, my AP just came up with the bright idea that she should observe me this week.  Can anyone tell me what the fuck for?!  Hello lady, I'm done in 2 weeks!!!!!  The way I'm feeling this can go either way.  I can give it my all and leave her brokenhearted over my departure or I can blow it and show them that I don't really care.  I think the latter is a bad idea but it's tempting.  I'm trying to keep it together because I want to apply to grad school next year, and I figure if I leave on good terms I can at least get a letter of recommendation out of this nightmare.

As excited and relieved as I am to finally leave teaching behind, I'm also terrified.  Let's face it, a 2-income household is usually much better than a 1-income household.  There's more financial freedom and more room to get the extras that we all love to have.  I am very thankful that J is such an amazing, responsible, and hard-working husband but at the same time, I do worry that maybe he won't be able to handle all of this.  It's weird, deep down inside I know he'll move heaven and earth to provide for us but I guess not having that bi-weekly check does scare me somewhat.  Either way, I would have to quit since I got screwed out of FMLA after being laid off last year, but I'm quitting much more sooner than we planned. 

Either way I see it, I need to make a sacrifice.  I can either stay in teaching until Baby C is here, or I can quit now.  If I stay, I'm sacrificing my physical and mental health; if I leave, I'm somewhat sacrificing our finances.  What's more important?  How do you choose?!  I'm not sure if it's a justification or not but I'm choosing to think that I can't replace my physical and mental health, but there are always ways to make extra money.

Any opinions?

Time to let the cat out of the bag!

Well dear readers, it has been a VERY LONG time since I have updated but it's been with good reason.  A lot of things have changed since I first began this blog and I'm happy to say that most of them have been for the best.

As some of you who "know" me from TB might already know, J and I are expecting our first baby on March 10, 2012!!  We are beyond excited that we're finally here after so many tears and so much pain.  We decided to move forward with IUI this summer and we are extremely grateful that our first attempt worked.  Baby is 15W2D at this point and so far, everything has been great with this pregnancy.  Save for this week, I've been feeling pretty great and can't even complain about having any real morning sickness.

Aside from these wonderful news, I can say that I am working again.  I interviewed with a school that had offered me a position last year and they offered me another position this summer.  This was actually the school that I turned down for Dream School in case anyone remembers.  So far it's going OK.  The school is actually pretty great and much (SO MUCH) different than First School but I'm sad to report that I'm still not happy.  I'm coming to terms with the fact that teaching is just not for me.  I don't enjoy it and unfortunately, it's become all about the pay for me.  I can honestly say that my feelings toward teaching have nothing to do with my pregnancy.  It's not like I'm too tired or too sick, I just don't like it.

I feel that I've finally come to terms with the reason why I felt that I needed to go back even though I was never 100% happy.  When I was let go from First School, I felt that I was in a horrible environment and I was happy to see my time there come to an end.  My principal was a first-class bitch and she just made teaching a horrible experience.  Then I moved on to Dream School but as we all know, I lasted a month before I was laid off.  Although being at Dream School for such a short time did help me keep a positive image, going through all the disappointment of a layoff was hard to take.  Now that I'm at Last School there really should be no reason why I'm so unhappy, but here we are.  I think that with my last two experiences ending for reasons beyond my control, I felt like I wasn't "done" with teaching.  I felt that I still had more to do and that if maybe I landed at the "right" school, my feelings would change.  Unfortunately, my negative feelings haven't changed.  They are more deeper and much more clear than they have ever been.  J and I have pretty much decided that I will not be returning after Baby C makes her/his grand entrance and I honestly think that I'll finally be able to find some peace.

Thank you for being so patient with me during this time!  I hope that everyone of you is doing well...

Well, well, hello there!!

It has been almost TWO MONTHS to the day since I've updated my blog!

Updating has been on my mind but I've been too lazy to log on and write about anything.  Many things have changed for the better, but I will be updating about that in the next few weeks.

I can't write anymore unless I spill the beans, but I promise the next update will be a good one.  Just, please hang in there!!

xoxo

Big Fat Negative!

I thought about adding motherf*cking in there for good measure but I'm actually really ok. I'm actually creeped out at myself about how calm I've been about getting a negative beta.  I thought there would be screaming, tears, cursing but there were no tears and no anger, just quiet determination about what I can do for the next cycle.  Besides, I think the huge, tantrum-filled fight I had with J which was indirectly related to my IF took care of all the anger I had.

On other news, I've said this before, but I have to lose some serious weight...like, really.  Yes, I already knew that but I get stuck on the thought and never turn it into action.  I've decided to go back to tracking my calories on My Fitness Pal since it really did help and I have to find a way to exercise. Even if I'm just walking the dog, I need to get active.  I'm wanting to do like an all fruit and veggie-type cleanse but I'm not sure how to go about it.  I really wouldn't have a problem giving up red meat and chicken if I could keep my seafood and I like most veggies and fruits.  I can actually give up chicken altogether, but I would have a hard time giving up red meat forever since I like steak so much.  I've been playing around with this idea for a while so let's see how I can make it happen.

I guess that's it for today.  I really don't have much to say but once AF shows we'll start up another inject cycle and hopefully we'll have better luck.

Triggered!!

Wheewwww!  I was FINALLY able to do my hCg trigger today.  It feels like I was on Follistim foooorrreeevvveeerrrr (lol), but in reality, I think I got my hopes way up high in light of my birthday and Mother's Day.  Why haven't I learned that in IF there are really no plans that can be set in stone?!

After the RE raised my Follistim to 125 IU, we were making good progress in the follow-up appointments and I had a feeling today would be the trigger date.  Today when the u/s tech measured me, I was able to see this HUGE follie and I knew that at least I had one good one.  When the nurse called back with the instructions, she said that I had two good follies, and one that was slightly smaller.  The leading follie was 21.5, second was 19.8, and the last one was at 15.  Not too bad!  So now the waiting begins.  We're timing sex for tonight and Friday.  They would've wanted us to sex it up tomorrow but J's at the firehouse and that's kind of a no-no!  My progesterone draw is scheduled for May 18, and the beta draw is May 25.  Yikes!  My hopes are way high even though I'm trying to smack them down and keep myself sane and realistic.

**Fingers crossed!!**

Last post of my 20's...AAAHHHH!!!

OMG, it's almost here!  I'm about to walk into a new decade in about an hour...

I had the birthday blues yesterday, but today I'm feeling very excited.  I'm definitely looking forward to my 30's.  I think my 20's treated me pretty well, even though the last year or so gave the me shaft.  It's ok, I'm taking it as fuel to change what I need to and make my 30's my most amazing and wonderful decade to date.  I'm excited to strengthen the relationships I've made, learn and try new things, and really be the best T I can be. 

So to my 30's, WELCOME...Let's have a fabulous time!

Cheers!