Reflecting...

Well, 2010 is almost over, and with every year's end, I feel that it's a time to reflect on what was great and not so great about the year. It's also a great time to think about all the things that can be changed for the upcoming year.

2010 was a year of loss for me and my family. I don't want to say that the year sucked, but if I could get a do-over, I think I'd opt for one. We lost my maternal grandmother this year, I lost two jobs, I lost a few friends (although that's probably a good thing), I lost income, and I lost the hopes of having a baby that would be conceived with no help (meds, or otherwise). I feel like this year robbed me of my sense of security, and ultimately, it robbed me of my faith.

Now, while it's easy to reflect on all these negative things, 2010 did bring some positive things. This year I learned just how supportive J really is, even in his anger. I learned that I need to watch myself, and respect my husband if I want to demand the same respect back. I learned how supportive my mom is, and how much I cherish our relationship. I learned that I'm not willing to change my morals/beliefs/ideals for ANYONE. This year I also learned that the smaller my circle of friends gets, the more I love it, and the more I trust who I surround myself with. One of the most invaluable things that I learned this year, however, is to follow my heart, no matter how scary it might be. I think when I lost my job and I rescinded G's friendship, that was the best lesson that I gathered from both of those situations.

I have high expectations of what I would like to accomplish in 2011, but I know that it will be a year of holding myself accountable. Of course there will be things that are out of my control, but I know others are attainable if I hold myself to them.

Some of my goals for 2011 are:

Personal
-have a baby (or at least get pregnant)

-have a date night with J at least three times a month

-make a girl-date with my mom at least once a month

-make a girl-date with a friend/friends at least once a month

-nurture my friendships

-read more

Health/Fitness

-make healthier food choices

-exercise at least 2 times a week

-lose weight/maintain a healthy weight during pregnancy

-develop a better sleep pattern

-keep my stress under control

-take care of my skin

Financial/Education

-make a significant dent in our debt
-make better financial choices
-make a significant contribution to our savings
-find a job that I love (or at least like)
-seriously look into grad school (study and take the GRE, apply, etc.)

Why am I writing this Blog?

I figured that a blog would give me a chance to get my thoughts out.

My husband J and I, are currently working on starting our family, and are finding out that it's a bit harder than we originally thought. You know how parents sometimes tell their kids that when they have sex they'll get pregnant? Well, yea, not so much! J and I have been trying for a year to have our baby, and all we have to show is frustration and tears. It's been tears on my end, and more like a sense of guilt on his. I'm not sure why he feels guilty, we have good sex and on the "right" days, but I'm not ovulating and without that, pregnancy is impossible. If I were to be completely honest, I need to lose some weight but deep down I'm scared that even if I do lose the weight, we still won't have a baby.

This TTC journey has ultimately taken away something that I've struggled with, my faith. I was raised in a Christian home, and until I was about 18, I was forced to go to church. I feel that the decision for me to stop attending church is something that was bound to happen. I was always the kid in Sunday School asking about evolution, or where all the dinosaurs went if the heavens and the Earth were in fact created in seven days. I can honestly say that my sense of religion and faith has always been skewed, but I felt that in order to survive within my parents' home, I didn't have a choice but to follow their lead. It got to the point that I was only going to youth groups and services just to ensure that I'd be able to go out with the girls that weekend. Looking back on it, I'm not quite sure why my parents forced that charade on me, and themselves. It's safe to say that I'm pretty resentful of having God and religion shoved down my throat for years, and once I was able to break free and live my life, I left it all. I've toyed with the idea of going back to church and God, but it has always been in order to "get something out if it," and less out of actual belief. I guess I selfishly hang on to my beliefs out of fear. What if the words, "I don't believe in God" actually escape from my mouth, and then something bad happens to me, to J, or to a beloved family member? This fear is what I guess has kept me "in line" all of these years, and even now, I struggle with being myself out of fear for the unknown. With this new found realization, I've made the decision never to force this on my future children. I've come to see religion/belief in God as the ultimate tool in brainwashing, and I don't ever want to subject anyone else to live in such fear. I might not ever be able to free myself completely from it, but I will not inflict such misery on anyone else, especially those I claim to love.

I'm sure this is pretty heavy for an intro post, but I needed to get that off my chest.