Weighing heavily on my mind...

I always knew that weight/diet played an important part in fertility, but I think for the first time, I'm really thinking about how it's hurting my chances to get pregnant.  I'm ashamed to admit that I'm pretty overweight, and weigh nearly 100 lbs. more than I did when I met J.  YIKES!  It hurts to see that in black and white!!!!  I think it's a mix of things like being on BCP's and all these unnecessary hormones.  I'm tempted to say it has to do with PCOS, but even though I have some of the signs, I can't remember if there was actual bloodwork done for it or not.  Until I get some "proof," I'm reluctant to say that has something to do with my weight.

While I've never really been an insecure person, in the last few years, I've been less than happy about my appearance.  I've felt frumpy, and since J is such a homebody, I haven't really had to dress up much and when I was working, I wore cargo pants or khakis to work and whatever top.  I mean, really, I was teaching all day and just wanted to be comfortable to move around with my kids.  Now that J and I are TTC, this is the first time in a very long time that I'm really thinking about my weight and how it's impacting my life.  I kind of feel at a loss for what to do right now.  Do I step back from all treatment and really hit this weight issue head on? Or, do I do both?  I'm hoping that I can have a very honest convo with the RE Wednesday, and come up with a plan where I can begin a real weight-loss effort while continuing treatment.  Honestly, I probably wouldn't have thought so much of my weight for the appointment until I saw their form about BMI's and how they make you sign a waiver if you choose to continue treatment while overweight.  It was all very sobering and it smacked me like a ton of bricks.

I need to make a conscious effort to lose some weight and get healthy.  No more excuses...

All Clear!

Well, my HSG was on Monday and it was seriously the MOST PAINFUL experience I've ever had.  I don't want to scare anyone that might be reading and might need one in the future, but I'm just being honest. 

We got ready on Monday and made the drive down to NMH.  I'm usually running late, but I know that I wanted to be as relaxed as possible, so I made sure to have everything done early so we could arrive with plenty of time.  We made it up to the Outpatient Radiology, and got called pretty quickly to fill out the paperwork.  It seemed like 5 minutes later they were getting me to go into the procedure.  I had a very nice OB/Gyn.  I hadn't met her before, but she's part of the office that I go to.  She talked me through the procedure and explained every step, but really nothing can prepare you for how it feels.  I've had Pap Smears before, so I know how the speculum feels, but this was more like a really bad pinching.  Then, she inserted the catheter, which was not too bad, and told me to get ready for the contrast to be inserted.  When it first started it wasn't too bad, but when she completely filled my uterus and tubes, I really thought I was going to pass out.  It felt kind of like a really bad menstrual cramp, but much worse.  It's almost like your ute is going to explode inside of you, and right when you're about ready to pass out in agony, it's all over!  I won't lie, I was whimpering as much as I tried not to be a wimp.

Even though I was in a lot of pain, I still managed to see what was going on in the X-Ray screen.  I'm really glad I spent sometime looking at HSG images on Sunday, because I was able to recognize everything.  It looked absolutely clear, like a perfectly shaped, flattened triangle, with semi-rounded edges.  I wasn't able to recognize my fallopian tubes, but I heard someone say that the contrast was flowing out of both!  After the procedure, the OB talked to me about what my next steps are, and she even recommended an RE for me!  Apparently, she knows one of the RE's at the clinic that I'm looking into, and she had a lot of positive things to say about him.  Then she told me that my regular OB would be back in March, and that I'd be pregnant by the time she comes back to the office!  It was such a nice thing for her to say.  I mean, it totally gets my hopes up (like they weren't already?!?!), but it makes me feel very positive about everything.

I talked to my nurse at the OB's office today and she gave me the "official" ALL CLEAR and told me to go ahead and schedule with the recommended RE.  Ahhh!!  It's been a long time since I've felt this positive about TTC.  Knowing that J is all normal, and that I'm all clear really does a lot for my peace of mind.  I feel that now, more than ever, I really need to take care of my health and make sure that I'm making healthy eating choices.  Obviously, there is something keeping me from O'ing and I'm ready to admit that my weight could very well be a factor in all of this.  Maybe it is, and maybe it isn't, but I want to do all I can on my end to make this happen.

Here's to more good TTC news in the coming weeks!

Just a tad nervous..

My HSG is scheduled for tomorrow.  It was scheduled Friday by the OB/Gyn that's in place while mine is on mat leave.  I didn't get a say on the day and time, so I felt like they just threw it on my lap.  I'm kind of excited, but I'm pretty nervous.  I know that one way or another, it'll feel really good to know what's going on with me and why it's taking so long to get pregnant.  I mean, I already know that I don't O, but I'll know if that's the only thing stopping us. 

If the results are good (i.e., clear ute and tubes), then I really have to get my butt in gear and start working out.  If things are not great, then we need to discuss what our options are.  J is completely on board with IVF, so that's one side of the equation.  Me, I'm "OK" with it.  If that's the only way to get our baby, then yes, so be it; however, I'd much rather have the chance to do it on our "own" or with meds.  IVF just seems so totally invasive that it scares me, not only that, I'm afraid of going through it all and still end up "empty-handed."

Anyway, if you can spare any good vibes or positive thoughts, I'd really appreciate it!

I've been struggling...

December was a very hard month, and I've really been struggling. J and I are coming up to a year TTC, and we have no baby and no baby belly to show for it. Each month and each cycle gets harder and harder, and as much as a I want to be a mom, I'm not sure that I can handle the disappointment that I go through month after month.

I did my first Clomid cycle, and it was a BFN. Not only was it negative, but I didn't even O. It's like a slap in my face. It's one thing to know that you're body isn't doing what it's supposed to, but quite another to know that even when it's getting help, it refuses to get it together. It downright hurts. I tried to block every emotion, and just marched on forward to the next cycle, but I'm terrified. I'm currently on CD 15, and I'm scared that it'll be another failed Clomid cycle, and I'll begin the new year with the knowledge that I'm really, truly "broken."

I feel like my bitterness is escaping from my pores, and while I could hide it before, it slips out in my less than appropriate comments and unkind actions. For example, I've decided to cut S off. It won't be forever, but at least for a while. I really tried not to be bitter about her pregnancy, but she made a comment that really hurt me when she was over last time. We were talking about babies and pregnancy, and I told her how sad it was to go after month w/ a negative result, and very coldly she told me that it'll happen when it's meant to be. No, I know that's not mean, but it's a slap in the face coming from someone who definitely can't afford this kid, and is disgusted by her husband, and didn't even try for to get pregnant. It's really easy to tell someone that they'll have their baby when it's "meant to be" when you didn't try for yours. It sounds callous and insensitive, and had I been a bigger bitch, I should've asked her if it was meant for her to get pregnant by a man she barely knows, can't support her, and she doesn't even love. Sometimes, I'm amazed at my ability to bite my tongue. Considering my current job situation, who am I to judge, right? That's another reason why I didn't say anything, but I expected a little compassion from a friend. Needless to say, she's been stalking my phone through texts, but I refuse to answer. I don't want anything to do with her kid until I'm ready either, she can kiss my ass.

Yea, I'm slowly becoming very bitter. Then again, try to imagine working for something for a year, only to know that no matter how hard you pray, cry, and try it just didn't happen. I'm pretty sure you'd be a little (or a lot) bitter too.