I've been struggling...

December was a very hard month, and I've really been struggling. J and I are coming up to a year TTC, and we have no baby and no baby belly to show for it. Each month and each cycle gets harder and harder, and as much as a I want to be a mom, I'm not sure that I can handle the disappointment that I go through month after month.

I did my first Clomid cycle, and it was a BFN. Not only was it negative, but I didn't even O. It's like a slap in my face. It's one thing to know that you're body isn't doing what it's supposed to, but quite another to know that even when it's getting help, it refuses to get it together. It downright hurts. I tried to block every emotion, and just marched on forward to the next cycle, but I'm terrified. I'm currently on CD 15, and I'm scared that it'll be another failed Clomid cycle, and I'll begin the new year with the knowledge that I'm really, truly "broken."

I feel like my bitterness is escaping from my pores, and while I could hide it before, it slips out in my less than appropriate comments and unkind actions. For example, I've decided to cut S off. It won't be forever, but at least for a while. I really tried not to be bitter about her pregnancy, but she made a comment that really hurt me when she was over last time. We were talking about babies and pregnancy, and I told her how sad it was to go after month w/ a negative result, and very coldly she told me that it'll happen when it's meant to be. No, I know that's not mean, but it's a slap in the face coming from someone who definitely can't afford this kid, and is disgusted by her husband, and didn't even try for to get pregnant. It's really easy to tell someone that they'll have their baby when it's "meant to be" when you didn't try for yours. It sounds callous and insensitive, and had I been a bigger bitch, I should've asked her if it was meant for her to get pregnant by a man she barely knows, can't support her, and she doesn't even love. Sometimes, I'm amazed at my ability to bite my tongue. Considering my current job situation, who am I to judge, right? That's another reason why I didn't say anything, but I expected a little compassion from a friend. Needless to say, she's been stalking my phone through texts, but I refuse to answer. I don't want anything to do with her kid until I'm ready either, she can kiss my ass.

Yea, I'm slowly becoming very bitter. Then again, try to imagine working for something for a year, only to know that no matter how hard you pray, cry, and try it just didn't happen. I'm pretty sure you'd be a little (or a lot) bitter too.