Can I just be a College Freshman again??

Wow, I never thought having options could be so overwhelming! If I could go back to 1998, I'd tell my Freshman self to enjoy this first year, but start focusing on what my dreams and aspirations really are. I'd tell myself not to waste too much time at the bowling alley playing pool (although, I had a blast), and go to class. I'd tell myself to soak it all in, but not lose focus on my goal. Lastly, I'd tell myself that when I meet that special boy, it's more than OK to fall in love with him BUT not OK to put college on hold for him...he's loving and understanding, and he'll wait for me to finish.

These are all nice things, right? Unfortunately, hindsight is 20/20. I can't go back and undo the beginning of my college career 13 years ago. I think knowing that I don't have any more time to waste to get my "real" career started is making me overly cautious. I feel like the possibilities for my future are endless, but I'm scared to choose the wrong path. I'm very interested in Nursing, but of course, I'm afraid that I won't like it, and then what? What am I going to do if I don't enjoy it once I put so much time and effort? Ultimately, if money and time were not objects, I'd want to go to Med School. I guess I can do that now, but honestly, I'm a little bit scared. I haven't been in a real class in a long time, and I think it would be jumping into something that I'm not ready for. I'm hoping that I can call the University tomorrow and get some answers, and start moving towards any pre-recs that I might need to complete.

C/S
I find myself still fighting an internal battle of my faith. I am so frustrated! I wish I could just divorce myself from the what-ifs and just be honest. I'm telling you, being raised in a Christian home is brainwashing at its best. It's the constant fear that if you don't believe, you'll be punished and your life will be even harder and more unpleasant than ever imagined. I hate this feeling, and it makes me feel oppressed. It makes me feel like I'm a prisoner in the penitentiary of fate, i.e. "Step out of line, and watch just how much more your life will suck!" Is this what Christianity/religion is about? Is it about control? It feels like it...

This whole experience has led me to decide that when J and I have our babies, we're going to teach them morals and values, but I will not shove religion down their throats. I will never make my babies feel that they can't be who they want to be. I never want my children to struggle like I am struggling now. I want them to feel comfortable making the decisions that they deem necessary without fear that god will strike them down if it doesn't follow some "divine" plan. As much as I love my parents, this is making me resent them. I feel like in their quest for their "eternal life," and the salvation of their marriage, they used me as a pawn to earn these things. I feel like I have been sold into a life of religious/spiritual slavery to pay for my parents spiritual/religious debt. Some might argue that I'm feeling like this because I know the "truth," but that couldn't be further from how I feel. I am afraid. I am afraid that if I don't FORCE myself to believe more bad things will happen to me, to J, we won't be able to have children, etc. I just want to be myself and live my life without fear...maybe life is better outside of the Plantation, I just have to find a way out.