Why am I writing this Blog?

I figured that a blog would give me a chance to get my thoughts out.

My husband J and I, are currently working on starting our family, and are finding out that it's a bit harder than we originally thought. You know how parents sometimes tell their kids that when they have sex they'll get pregnant? Well, yea, not so much! J and I have been trying for a year to have our baby, and all we have to show is frustration and tears. It's been tears on my end, and more like a sense of guilt on his. I'm not sure why he feels guilty, we have good sex and on the "right" days, but I'm not ovulating and without that, pregnancy is impossible. If I were to be completely honest, I need to lose some weight but deep down I'm scared that even if I do lose the weight, we still won't have a baby.

This TTC journey has ultimately taken away something that I've struggled with, my faith. I was raised in a Christian home, and until I was about 18, I was forced to go to church. I feel that the decision for me to stop attending church is something that was bound to happen. I was always the kid in Sunday School asking about evolution, or where all the dinosaurs went if the heavens and the Earth were in fact created in seven days. I can honestly say that my sense of religion and faith has always been skewed, but I felt that in order to survive within my parents' home, I didn't have a choice but to follow their lead. It got to the point that I was only going to youth groups and services just to ensure that I'd be able to go out with the girls that weekend. Looking back on it, I'm not quite sure why my parents forced that charade on me, and themselves. It's safe to say that I'm pretty resentful of having God and religion shoved down my throat for years, and once I was able to break free and live my life, I left it all. I've toyed with the idea of going back to church and God, but it has always been in order to "get something out if it," and less out of actual belief. I guess I selfishly hang on to my beliefs out of fear. What if the words, "I don't believe in God" actually escape from my mouth, and then something bad happens to me, to J, or to a beloved family member? This fear is what I guess has kept me "in line" all of these years, and even now, I struggle with being myself out of fear for the unknown. With this new found realization, I've made the decision never to force this on my future children. I've come to see religion/belief in God as the ultimate tool in brainwashing, and I don't ever want to subject anyone else to live in such fear. I might not ever be able to free myself completely from it, but I will not inflict such misery on anyone else, especially those I claim to love.

I'm sure this is pretty heavy for an intro post, but I needed to get that off my chest.