I dislike bickering...

Today was an awful day!  Nothing bad happened, but J and literally bickered ALL DAY LONG.  I absolutely hate days like this because it feels like a huge wedge just gets between us.  Ever since he's been working at CFD and at the airline, the days where we can spend the entire day together, are very few and far in between.  I feel like we wasted an entire day on petty bullshit.

Honestly, I'm not sure what's really wrong.  I think we're just both frustrated with my job situation and how it's starting to trickle down into our finances, and it sets both of us off.  I understand though, right now, J has a huge load on him.  He's working two jobs AND he's feeling like he's working for nothing.  I'm not entirely sure that I'd be as patient as he has been up to now.  It makes me feel really bad though because I'm really trying hard to find something.  Yes, I'd rather find a teaching job, but I've been applying to "regular" jobs too, and nothing is happening.  It's kind of hard to remain hopeful, but I'm trying my best.

Not too long ago, I had read The Secret.  It was towards then end of my relationship with the Christian church, so I felt a little weird reading it, but I did like it.  The thing about The Secret, is that it can seem a little bit out there and new age-y, but I like the message behind it.  I like how it teaches you about the law of attraction, and how you are basically responsible for your life and destiny.  Last night, I had a chance to catch the movie version on Netflix.  I'm really glad that I had the chance to read the book before watching the movie.  I feel like it made more sense, and it really helped me understand some key points that I kind of "missed" when I was reading.  Also, I feel like it helped me feel much, much better about my current situation.  So even though, J and argued almost all day, I tried hard to keep positive thoughts in my head about my job search. 

One of the key points about The Secret, is to feel grateful for the things that you do have and think about the things that you want as if you already have them.  So, yes, J got on my last nerve, but I thought about how thankful I was for him, for my family, friends, pets, etc.  I even thought about the job that I'm waiting to receive, and concentrated on feeling grateful for it and visualizing the things that I/we'll be able to do once I get it.  It really, really helped me to stay positive and hopeful, and just wait on the universe to bring me the job.  I haven't felt this good about it in a long time, so I'm glad I was able to turn my feelings around.  I know my perfect teaching job will come very soon!  Of course, I used The Secret to visualize our future LO's, lol, but I concentrated on my job, marriage, health and relationships, LO will come once everything else falls into place.  :-)

So, what else is new?

I'm a bad blogger!  I wish I updated more often, since I do like to write, but I haven't felt like it lately.

Hmmm, so what has been new?  I went (finally) to NYC a few weeks ago with my good friend B!  It was so much fun, and being there reminded me just how much I love New York.  It was a quick trip, since we arrived on Saturday and I flew back on Monday, but it was a nice getaway.  I'm very fortunate that my cousin offered up his (beautiful) condo in Brooklyn, and he happened to be out of town, so B and I were able to have it all to ourselves.

Other than that, everything is pretty much the same on the TTC and job front.  Big fat no's for both, lol!  At least with TTC, there seems to be some progress.  I went in last Thursday for my CD3 b/w and u/s, which will help us get a plan in place for next cycle.  I'm kind of confused by my b/w, though.  It ended up that I have 3 fibroids and polycystic ovaries.  That's not necessarily shocking because I knew about both, but the b/w was normal.  None of the levels were too high, or too low... I guess expecting more of a PCOS-specific b/w result, but no.  Right now, the next step is to be on BCPs, which I started today, and schedule a saline u/s.  From what I've been reading, the saline u/s is similar to an HSG, and we all remember what joy that was, no?

As far as work, I've been applying, but nothing has panned out.  I'm trying to be positive and not stress about it, but it's hard.  Financially, we're starting to feel the crunch, and we're discussing whether we should put TTC on hold.  At least this cycle, we're on BCPs, so nothing needs to be stopped, but when we head towards the end, then we'll need to make a decision.  In all honesty, we could continue TTC, but I aways envisioned our financial situation much different than this.  I always thought that we'd be able to be a bit more extravagant with our baby purchases and if we continue like this, I'll feel like we'd have to be more limited.  I really want to enjoy planning for our future LO, and I don't want to be robbed of that experience because we're worried about money.  It might not seem like a good enough reason to stop TTC for some, but I don't want J and I to struggle financially, much less struggle with a baby on the way.  I'm hoping that I'll finally catch a break and the cards will just fall in place, I'll find a job and we can continue TTC without skipping a beat.  My friend RF gave me some spiritual prayer to do, and even though I'm agnostic, at this point, I'm ready to try anything.

Something's gotta give...

Weighing heavily on my mind...

I always knew that weight/diet played an important part in fertility, but I think for the first time, I'm really thinking about how it's hurting my chances to get pregnant.  I'm ashamed to admit that I'm pretty overweight, and weigh nearly 100 lbs. more than I did when I met J.  YIKES!  It hurts to see that in black and white!!!!  I think it's a mix of things like being on BCP's and all these unnecessary hormones.  I'm tempted to say it has to do with PCOS, but even though I have some of the signs, I can't remember if there was actual bloodwork done for it or not.  Until I get some "proof," I'm reluctant to say that has something to do with my weight.

While I've never really been an insecure person, in the last few years, I've been less than happy about my appearance.  I've felt frumpy, and since J is such a homebody, I haven't really had to dress up much and when I was working, I wore cargo pants or khakis to work and whatever top.  I mean, really, I was teaching all day and just wanted to be comfortable to move around with my kids.  Now that J and I are TTC, this is the first time in a very long time that I'm really thinking about my weight and how it's impacting my life.  I kind of feel at a loss for what to do right now.  Do I step back from all treatment and really hit this weight issue head on? Or, do I do both?  I'm hoping that I can have a very honest convo with the RE Wednesday, and come up with a plan where I can begin a real weight-loss effort while continuing treatment.  Honestly, I probably wouldn't have thought so much of my weight for the appointment until I saw their form about BMI's and how they make you sign a waiver if you choose to continue treatment while overweight.  It was all very sobering and it smacked me like a ton of bricks.

I need to make a conscious effort to lose some weight and get healthy.  No more excuses...

Change of heart, or just frustration?

I don't know what's up with me, but I'm in a huge funk.  Well, no, that's a lie, I know what's up but I'm bothered that it has me down.  So, once again I got CH's on FF; however, my temp just doesn't seem to stay up and I'm scared that it'll be a repeat of last cycle and the one before that.  I don't know if it's some cruel FF joke, but the last few Clomid cycles I've gotten CH's, then all of a sudden, they're gone at around 7-8 DPO.  Poof!  It's frustrating because honestly, I'd rather not get them to begin with.  I'd rather not get my hopes all the way up, only to start my day with a fucked up attitude when my temp comes crashing down.  I'm slowly getting tired of TTC and all the heartache and frustration.

I went to my session with MA today, and I was sharing with him that I'm really considering just throwing in the towel on TTC.  J and I have our RE appointment on March 2nd, and even though I'm kind of excited about it, I'm getting more and more apprehensive as it comes closer.  I'm having a really hard time dealing with the fact that more than likely, J and I won't be able to conceive w/out medical intervention.  Yes, I mean, I'm on Clomid so I kind of knew that already, but seeing an RE to me opens the door to the world of IUI's, IVF, and just more invasive and over-involved TTC procedures.  I don't think I want this.  Yes, I do want a baby, but I'm not so sure about all this process anymore.  I know that there are women struggling way more than I am with their IF journey, so I don't pretend to act like I should be exempt from all this; however, I'm just starting to wonder if I want to continue to go through this cycle after cycle, month after month, and quite possibly, year after year.

I think what's scaring me the most is seeing all the women going through IUIs and IVF only to end up with a m/c, or pre-term labor, or a stillbirth.  What if I go through all this, and still end up empty-handed?  I'm terrified, and I know I'm being super negative, but I'm very much afraid of this.  I don't think I can handle it.  I talked to J about this today and just point-blank asked him if he had imagined our lives without children and what would he imagine it'd be like.  He simply said, "It would be peaceful.  Just the two of us, traveling, living our lives."  It broke my heart.  Not because he might not want children, but because the more disappointment we face every month and cycle, that's exactly how I've begun to feel.

I feel that I need to really do some soul-searching, and figure out exactly what it is that I want.  I'm tired of being consumed by this...

I should be studying...

But, I can't!  I hate this about myself.  As much as I love going to school and learning, I fail miserably at studying.  I didn't do so well on the last test, so I have to hustle on this one.  I think I underestimated just how hard this Bio class would be.  I know I can do it, and do it well, but it's going to take some effort.

I haven't updated in a while because truthfully, there's not much going on.  We did some preliminary fertility testing and we both had great results, so now we just sit and wait.  According to FF, it seems that I've O'd.  I would be way more excited, except that the last couple of cycles, I got the CH's saying that I O'd and they were suddenly wiped out as my temps slowly decreased.  So, I want to be excited, but I'm already so hopeful for this cycle, that I don't want to overdo it.

We have an RE appointment set for March 2nd, and if I did in fact O, FF says that my test date is March 3rd.  Of course, more than likely I'd be able to test March 1 and know whether we'd still need that RE appointment.  Wouldn't it be something if Murphy's Law came into play this time?  I think it would be the one thing that would renew my belief that miracles can and do happen.  So for now, I wait.  I secretly look forward to bed time where I can "try" and fall asleep and take my temp again in the morning to see where I stand.

I wait, wait, wait but I do know that when I finally hold our baby in my arms, the wait will not have been in vain...

All Clear!

Well, my HSG was on Monday and it was seriously the MOST PAINFUL experience I've ever had.  I don't want to scare anyone that might be reading and might need one in the future, but I'm just being honest. 

We got ready on Monday and made the drive down to NMH.  I'm usually running late, but I know that I wanted to be as relaxed as possible, so I made sure to have everything done early so we could arrive with plenty of time.  We made it up to the Outpatient Radiology, and got called pretty quickly to fill out the paperwork.  It seemed like 5 minutes later they were getting me to go into the procedure.  I had a very nice OB/Gyn.  I hadn't met her before, but she's part of the office that I go to.  She talked me through the procedure and explained every step, but really nothing can prepare you for how it feels.  I've had Pap Smears before, so I know how the speculum feels, but this was more like a really bad pinching.  Then, she inserted the catheter, which was not too bad, and told me to get ready for the contrast to be inserted.  When it first started it wasn't too bad, but when she completely filled my uterus and tubes, I really thought I was going to pass out.  It felt kind of like a really bad menstrual cramp, but much worse.  It's almost like your ute is going to explode inside of you, and right when you're about ready to pass out in agony, it's all over!  I won't lie, I was whimpering as much as I tried not to be a wimp.

Even though I was in a lot of pain, I still managed to see what was going on in the X-Ray screen.  I'm really glad I spent sometime looking at HSG images on Sunday, because I was able to recognize everything.  It looked absolutely clear, like a perfectly shaped, flattened triangle, with semi-rounded edges.  I wasn't able to recognize my fallopian tubes, but I heard someone say that the contrast was flowing out of both!  After the procedure, the OB talked to me about what my next steps are, and she even recommended an RE for me!  Apparently, she knows one of the RE's at the clinic that I'm looking into, and she had a lot of positive things to say about him.  Then she told me that my regular OB would be back in March, and that I'd be pregnant by the time she comes back to the office!  It was such a nice thing for her to say.  I mean, it totally gets my hopes up (like they weren't already?!?!), but it makes me feel very positive about everything.

I talked to my nurse at the OB's office today and she gave me the "official" ALL CLEAR and told me to go ahead and schedule with the recommended RE.  Ahhh!!  It's been a long time since I've felt this positive about TTC.  Knowing that J is all normal, and that I'm all clear really does a lot for my peace of mind.  I feel that now, more than ever, I really need to take care of my health and make sure that I'm making healthy eating choices.  Obviously, there is something keeping me from O'ing and I'm ready to admit that my weight could very well be a factor in all of this.  Maybe it is, and maybe it isn't, but I want to do all I can on my end to make this happen.

Here's to more good TTC news in the coming weeks!

Just a tad nervous..

My HSG is scheduled for tomorrow.  It was scheduled Friday by the OB/Gyn that's in place while mine is on mat leave.  I didn't get a say on the day and time, so I felt like they just threw it on my lap.  I'm kind of excited, but I'm pretty nervous.  I know that one way or another, it'll feel really good to know what's going on with me and why it's taking so long to get pregnant.  I mean, I already know that I don't O, but I'll know if that's the only thing stopping us. 

If the results are good (i.e., clear ute and tubes), then I really have to get my butt in gear and start working out.  If things are not great, then we need to discuss what our options are.  J is completely on board with IVF, so that's one side of the equation.  Me, I'm "OK" with it.  If that's the only way to get our baby, then yes, so be it; however, I'd much rather have the chance to do it on our "own" or with meds.  IVF just seems so totally invasive that it scares me, not only that, I'm afraid of going through it all and still end up "empty-handed."

Anyway, if you can spare any good vibes or positive thoughts, I'd really appreciate it!