The Results are in!!!

So we FINALLY got J's SA results!  It turns out that the lab couldn't release/interpret them, so I had to call my OB/Gyn's office to get them.

Everything was absolutely normal!!!  These are the stats:  volume: 1.5, count:  134 million, motility: 85% with 58% progression.  I was too excited, and forgot to ask about morphology, but the nurse did say that all we need is my HSG, so I'm sure they're fine.  It feels like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders.  Now we just need to figure out what's wrong with my body, and get this show on the road.

The other day, when I was waiting for the results, I was doing some research on our insurance and their IF coverage.  I am very happy to report that they cover everything!  Yes, there's deductibles and co-pays, but if we needed something more invasive, BCBS does cover it.  I also found that one of the top IF clinics in the Midwest is part of the BCBS network!  I'm happy because even though I'm happy with our current use of NMPG, this other clinic is at the top of their game and if we needed, we could use them.  I'm finally beginning to feel very hopeful, and that I could possibly end 2011 with our baby in my arms! 

On other news:
I got into a huge argument with my mother today.  You know, I love her, but it's amazing how religion can make people so close-minded.  It's astounding.  One more reason why I'm not sharing anything about what's going on with our TTC until things are already in place.  The one thing that really frustrates me about my mom, is that she can have religious beliefs/convictions, but it depends on who they're being applied to.  I'm a little more rigid about my beliefs and values, people can count on me to tell them what I really think (especially when they ask), but I won't bend my opinion to make accommodate what they want to hear.  It might seem like I talk shit behind people's back, but in reality, I don't.  What I say in private, is the very same thing that I will tell that person in public; however, I do change the delivery.  I try not to be so hardcore in how I say it, but I pride myself in being steadfast in my values and morals.  I think I'd have more respect for my mother's opinion if she did the same...

Validation!

I love Wednesdays!  It's usually the day I meet with my therapist, so I get to talk about a bunch of different things and learn a lot of new things as well.  I started seeing this therapist when J and I were going through a bit of a rough patch because of drama with his family and unresolved issues from when we were dating.  I found him on our insurance website, so it was pretty random that we ended up there.  I grew up in a family that didn't think negatively of going therapy or seeking counseling, so it was very easy for me to adapt; however, J had a hell of a time getting used to it.  After one of our particularly rough sessions, he decided he was no longer interested in going back.  At first, I was super disappointed and upset that he didn't want to go back.  We had a long talk, and he promised me that he would try on his own and if things didn't work out, then he'd try again.  Well, I guess the boy REALLY didn't want to go back, because things have been amazing since then, lol.  It's going on almost a year, if not more.

It turns out that the therapist (MA) and I have tons in common, so the relationship has evolved to something of a professional friendship.  He's just so smart that I love talking to him about different things.  Sometimes, I really need to vent about something that's going on, but a lot of times, it becomes a lesson on different psychology theories.  Today was a lesson-type of day!  I was talking to him about a few things that J and I had been talking about as we get more serious about TTC.  It's really allowed me to reflect on the type of parent that I wish to be.  I was telling him that even though this journey is taking a lot longer than we expected or wanted, seeing unplanned pregnancies around me really opened my eyes to what can happen when the parents are in unstable/unhealthy relationships.  I'm of the belief that babies shouldn't be born with jobs.

Apparently, there is a psychiatrist, Ivan Boszormenyi-Nagy, that was a pioneer in the whole subject of family therapy and children's psychological rights!  One of the terms that he is linked to is called parentification, and it's the very thing that I say, "babies should not be born with jobs"!  I KNEW I wasn't crazy to think that one of the most irresponsible things is to bring a child into and unstable and unhealthy relationship, and there's research that proves it, lol!

Talking to MA about all these things, really reinforces my decision to pursue psychology/psychiatry, namely the pediatric and family aspect of it.  There really isn't a need for me to continue therapy at this time, but I learn so much from him, that I'm not sure how to tear myself away.

Oh, mother...

I love my mom.  I promise, I love her to death but lately, I dunno, she's annoying me.  It's pretty bad because I'm avoiding her calls or even spending time with her because I find myself so easily annoyed.

I think it has a lot to do with my recent announcement about being agnostic.  I know it hurts her feelings, but it's not like I choose to believe (or not to, in this case) just to hurt her.  I hate the fact that she takes it so personally, and it makes me resent her.  I feel that since she never had the chance to be her own person and live the way she may have really wanted to live, the fact that I do, bothers her. 

My mom did everything "by the book".  She was a virgin when she got married, she's a woman of deep faith, educated, she dresses a certain way, she doesn't drink, and she just doesn't do much except worry about God.  With the exception of my deep appreciation of education, I'm the very opposite of this, but I also feel much less restricted, and I like it.  Maybe to her the way she lives isn't restricted, but it just seems like there's a lot of rules to follow, and in the end you just can't be yourself.  I just don't think you owe anyone anything besides being respectful, courteous, and thoughtful of their feelings...but this is also what you owe to yourself.

Anyway, she has the awful habit of starting a topic of conversation that is usually wrapped in judgement or prejudice, and then stopping by saying, "Oh, I'm not going to talk about that," which drives me fucking nuts.  Here's the thing, if you have something negative to say about gays, my hair, someone's weight, or lifestyle choice, "man up" and complete your thought.  Otherwise your "show of respect" by not discussing the topic seems disingenuous.  Now, I admit, I'm pretty judgemental myself.  The difference is, that I don't try to persuade others to see my point of view, and furthermore, I'm that pissed/annoyed by their choices, I just completely remove them from my life.  I also don't pretend to like their choices when they ask me my opinion and then turn around and tear them apart behind their backs.  No, I'll tear you up to your face because I'm a bitch that way.  However, in my defense, my friends/acquaintances know I'm pretty frank about my opinions and they like and want to hear what I have to say.  I'm not making it up, I swear they've told me!

I think the way I choose to live my frustrates my mother, but I just wish she'd be happy that I'm happy with myself.  I don't think she gets that I don't want to spend time with her because everything that I do and she doesn't agree with is wrapped in judgement or negativity.  I've told her, but then she turns around and says that I'm assuming that's how she feels and that I choose to see it that way.  It's all over her tone, look, and judgemental comments, so how am  I just making it up.

I'm just so tired of it and it's driving a wedge in our relationship.  When I have my babies, I vow to do my best to make them into strong individuals, with morals and values, who respect others and can stand up for themselves.  I want to make sure that if they're making legal, positive, successful, and wise decisions that I always tell them just how proud I am of them, and they never have to hear unnecessary judgement in my voice.

***THIS IS A RANT THAT MIGHT NOT MAKE SENSE***
Today S  went into labor.  I really, really don't care.  Yes, I'm particularly bitter with this specific pregnancy and I don't care to hear any details.  It's not a happy time for me since it's not my kid AND it'll be another month before its mother is bitching and crying about how much of asshole the father is.  Again, this poor baby is being born in the midst of chaos.  I really do think it would be different if Yoli or Betzi were having babies.  I would be happy because there's a stability in their personal lives and marriages/relationships that S just doesn't have.  Of course, I'd be happy for them.  They got their shit together and are more than capable of taking care of another human being.  Yes, I'm judging S (harshly) but these are things that I've told her before, albeit, not as harshly, but I did tell her that she needs to get it together in her marriage and personal life because now there's a baby involved.  Ugh, where's the common sense. 

I've met so many women on TB that are deserving of their babies, who would be able to give their LO's a safe/healthy home life, and yet they are dealing with IF.  How the fuck is that fair that parasites people like S and her shithead husband can procreate?! There should be some kind of common sense/educational requirement for people to be able to procreate. Babies should not be born with the almost-impossible jobs of keeping their loser parents together, the adults should be able to figure that out before bringing another life into this world...

I live for days like these

I had an absolutely FANTASTIC day with my love today! J took our little one (doggie) to Puppy Daycare, then came back to pick me up since we had a nice late morning/afternoon planned.  Next we headed to Bed Bath & Beyond (BBB) to pick up some appliances that we needed to replace.  After that, we were taking a trip to the Shedd Aquarium !!  It was SO much fun!  We stuck to the free exhibits because we just wanted to take a little trip since it was free for today, but I'm happy that J got to go with me.  He said that he had never been there before!  He really liked it, and we made plans to come back and catch the premium exhibits.  I really want to see their Oceanarium and the Fantasea exhibit, so I'm hoping we can come back soon.

After the Shedd, we went over to the Field Museum.  We had been there before, but unfortunately, the last time we were there, I got the call from my mom that my grandfather had passed away.  That was back in Fall 2009.  J was getting antsy because he was hungry (::eye roll::) so we were only there for 15 minutes.  We got back in the car, and decided where to go for lunch.  The thing about J and I, is that we have our favorite restaurants and we hardly ever deviate to try something new.  This is is something that we desperately want to change because we live in Chicago, and if you get bored in this city, it's because you want to. Since we wanted to try some new food, we decided to go to Pequod's Pizza...Ohmyfuckinggod! 

Ok, so this place deserves its own paragraph so that I can sing its praises.  Let me just say that J and I order pizza pretty often, but I usually avoid it because it just doesn't taste that great.  We usually get thin crust, but we've also tried deep-dish, or pan, and it's always mediocre.  I had heard about Pequod's before, but never bothered to stop in, and going in today was seriously the best decision ever.  I mean, this is seriously the world's best fucking pizza ever in life.  Yes, it's that great and HELL NO I'm not exaggerating! We got a pepperoni pan pizza, and it was so flavorful and hot with gooey cheese, and just AWESOME!  Not only that, our waitress and the manager (?) were very nice and friendly, which always makes a dining experience even better.  Even J said that from now on we'll be driving for pizza instead of ordering, lol!

After that awesome dining experience (lol), we picked up our little one from PD and came home.  All in all, it was a pretty perfect day.  No, it wasn't anything fancy, but just being able to spend time with J and do something new and talk, it's just great.  We really had a chance to talk about all that we want, and I was even mentioning to him that I'm consider giving up my BMW just so I can comfortably stay home.  This is the thing, in the few months that I've been home, I've really enjoyed spending time with J and not being the raging bitch that I became when I was teaching.  Even though my Beemer is really my dream car, I'm beginning to wonder if it's worth giving it up just so I can go to school and be a housewife.  It's one thing to go back to work once I finally get into the MSN program and graduate, but right now, nothing is going to be worth the aggravation for the little paycheck that I might get.  J really didn't say anything, but I know that he thinks about me staying home and if our finances were in better shape, he'd tell me to stop looking altogether.

I guess we'll just see what happens and if anyone calls me for any interviews. 

On baby news:  We're still waiting on the results from J's SA.  We saw so many cute babies/toddlers at the Shedd, and it's just a reminder that kids are something that we really want to pursue.  I can even tell that J is way into it, because he took notes on all the questions that he needs to ask when they call with the results...awwww, he's so cute!  The changes that he's made since we started dating and got married have been so wonderful. He really is a blessing and a wonderful man.  I can't wait until we get his AWESOME SA results, and AF shows so I can schedule my HSG and our first RE appointment.  I know that we are both ready to get the baby show on the road!

Teen Pregnancy

I apologize in advance if this seems bitter.  I promise, I don't feel bitter BUT it might be taken that way...

Whoever said that babies are a blessing, is probably right; however, a baby at 18 is a big, huge, fucking mistake.  I'm sorry, I don't feel as if there's anything to celebrate or congratulate when you cannot support yourself, you haven't finished high school, and have no means to support yourself.  The way I see it, it's not so much about age than it is about being ready to raise a child. 

This comes from the situation where two family members are pregnant.  They are both 18, unmarried, and obviously irresponsible if they didn't have the common sense to prevent an unplanned pregnancy.  In one case, I believe on of the girls might already be out of high school, but I know the other one definitely isn't.  In one of the situations, the grandmother-to-be seems blissfully ignorant to the reality of her daughter's situation.  Not only is she super excited, but she's also allowing this child to move in with the baby's father and begin to plan a wedding.

Does that sound wrong to anyone?!  I'm all for moving in together with a boyfriend, and I even understand and agree that marriage is not for everyone but, to me it just seems like we're handing off a lot of responsibility to someone that has proved to be irresponsible.  I'm sure moving in with a boyfriend, getting married and having his baby sounds so romantic, but at 18??  When you haven't even finished high school?!  It just seems weird and ignorant somehow.  It just seems that this will inevitably follow in the pattern of: pregnant at 17, married with a baby at 18, and divorced by 20.  Maybe it can work, but really, what are the odds?  So now, we have another stupid, irresponsible girl adding to the statistics and becoming a mooch to the system. Come on, you really don't expect that they won't need government assistance, right?!  HA!

Being a witness to this has really raised some strong feelings within me about the decisions that my future children might make.  I really hope that I raise my kids not to be stupid enough to get pregnant (or get anyone pregnant) when they are emotionally, educationally, and financially unprepared.  If they're already living on their own or with their significant other, are out of college, with a good job/career, then I'd be 100% supportive of their decision to begin a family, marriage notwithstanding.  Sometimes I see that parents are very quick to pat their kids' heads, become their best friends, and smile and nod at whatever stupid decision their kid has just made.  I hope never to be such a stupid and enabling parent and look back at the miserable job I've done at raising children with responsibility and common sense....

J's Semen Analysis

On baby news...

Today was J's SA. Let me just say that I fall more and more in love with my husband as time passes. He came home from work in the morning, woke me up, and we got showered and dressed for his appointment. On the way there, we talked and laughed, and just basically tried to keep the mood "light," since we both knew how nervous he really was.

The lab is directly across the hall from my OB/Gyn, so we were already familiar with the location. We just went into the office, and I waited in the tiny waiting room while J did his thing. Little, naive me thought that this was just a regular lab, but as I looked at the literature and signs, I quickly realized that it was a Sperm Bank! It was just me and a very well dressed man in the waiting room. I avoided making eye contact (lol), but he was very friendly, and said hello. Now, let me just say that my gaydar went off a bit! He was an older gentleman (early 40's), in a very stylish and put together suit, and NO wedding band. The nosey T is wondering what he was there for, lol!

J was out pretty quickly and we were on our way. I tried really hard to get some info out of him, but it seemed that he didn't want to talk about it, which is completely understandable. Sometimes I forget just how modest and old fashioned he really is. We had a kick ass lunch at one of my fave restaurants, Chicago SRO and then headed home for some nookie! All in all, it was a great day, and I'm hoping we get awesome results from his SA! So if you're reading this, all your positive thoughts for good, strong spermies are well appreciated!

New Year, New T!

I did it! I cut off my hair and decided to go Natural...

I'll admit, I'm a little scared but I'm kinda excited about it. For those of you that don't know, I've been wearing extensions (a weave) for almost three years straight. I took some time last summer (2009) to let my hair "rest," but I went right back into it almost a month later.

For me, going Natural is a mixture of emotions. Like I mentioned, I'm really excited not to have to pay hundreds of dollars on hair, and not to sit in that stylist's chair going through the excruciating pain of having my hair braided into little, tiny braids. I am a little worried, though. I'm scared that it won't look right, I'm scared that my hair won't grow, and most of all, I'm scared of it looking sloppy.

You may wonder why I'm not getting a relaxer. Well, the answer is simple--I want to fall in love with the REAL me. I have nothing against women who get relaxers, but the hair that results from that is. not. your. hair!!!! It's been chemically altered into something, but it's not the reality of your texture. Also, as J and I look into parenthood, I want to make sure that I teach our future children to love themselves, just as they are. How can I do that when I alter myself every 4 to 6 weeks? Sure. there's nothing wrong with changing up your look once in a while whether that means new clothes, a new hair color but I feel that at this point in my life, I just want to be me.

This new change doesn't just extend to my hair! I have decided to change my eating habits as well. So far, it's DEFINITELY working....I've lost FIVE pounds! I'm excited, but I know that I still have a long road ahead of me. The last two days, I have been a little "bad" as far as my eating, but I love that writing things down is making me more accountable. I can also figure out what I need to do for those days that I feel like I need to cheat. What I love most, is that I don't feel deprived. No, I don't suggest that you eat McDonald's day in and day out, but for those days that I just need a little junk, I make adjustments in the other meals that I have.

I'm excited to see how 2011 is starting out!