Oh, mother...

I love my mom.  I promise, I love her to death but lately, I dunno, she's annoying me.  It's pretty bad because I'm avoiding her calls or even spending time with her because I find myself so easily annoyed.

I think it has a lot to do with my recent announcement about being agnostic.  I know it hurts her feelings, but it's not like I choose to believe (or not to, in this case) just to hurt her.  I hate the fact that she takes it so personally, and it makes me resent her.  I feel that since she never had the chance to be her own person and live the way she may have really wanted to live, the fact that I do, bothers her. 

My mom did everything "by the book".  She was a virgin when she got married, she's a woman of deep faith, educated, she dresses a certain way, she doesn't drink, and she just doesn't do much except worry about God.  With the exception of my deep appreciation of education, I'm the very opposite of this, but I also feel much less restricted, and I like it.  Maybe to her the way she lives isn't restricted, but it just seems like there's a lot of rules to follow, and in the end you just can't be yourself.  I just don't think you owe anyone anything besides being respectful, courteous, and thoughtful of their feelings...but this is also what you owe to yourself.

Anyway, she has the awful habit of starting a topic of conversation that is usually wrapped in judgement or prejudice, and then stopping by saying, "Oh, I'm not going to talk about that," which drives me fucking nuts.  Here's the thing, if you have something negative to say about gays, my hair, someone's weight, or lifestyle choice, "man up" and complete your thought.  Otherwise your "show of respect" by not discussing the topic seems disingenuous.  Now, I admit, I'm pretty judgemental myself.  The difference is, that I don't try to persuade others to see my point of view, and furthermore, I'm that pissed/annoyed by their choices, I just completely remove them from my life.  I also don't pretend to like their choices when they ask me my opinion and then turn around and tear them apart behind their backs.  No, I'll tear you up to your face because I'm a bitch that way.  However, in my defense, my friends/acquaintances know I'm pretty frank about my opinions and they like and want to hear what I have to say.  I'm not making it up, I swear they've told me!

I think the way I choose to live my frustrates my mother, but I just wish she'd be happy that I'm happy with myself.  I don't think she gets that I don't want to spend time with her because everything that I do and she doesn't agree with is wrapped in judgement or negativity.  I've told her, but then she turns around and says that I'm assuming that's how she feels and that I choose to see it that way.  It's all over her tone, look, and judgemental comments, so how am  I just making it up.

I'm just so tired of it and it's driving a wedge in our relationship.  When I have my babies, I vow to do my best to make them into strong individuals, with morals and values, who respect others and can stand up for themselves.  I want to make sure that if they're making legal, positive, successful, and wise decisions that I always tell them just how proud I am of them, and they never have to hear unnecessary judgement in my voice.

***THIS IS A RANT THAT MIGHT NOT MAKE SENSE***
Today S  went into labor.  I really, really don't care.  Yes, I'm particularly bitter with this specific pregnancy and I don't care to hear any details.  It's not a happy time for me since it's not my kid AND it'll be another month before its mother is bitching and crying about how much of asshole the father is.  Again, this poor baby is being born in the midst of chaos.  I really do think it would be different if Yoli or Betzi were having babies.  I would be happy because there's a stability in their personal lives and marriages/relationships that S just doesn't have.  Of course, I'd be happy for them.  They got their shit together and are more than capable of taking care of another human being.  Yes, I'm judging S (harshly) but these are things that I've told her before, albeit, not as harshly, but I did tell her that she needs to get it together in her marriage and personal life because now there's a baby involved.  Ugh, where's the common sense. 

I've met so many women on TB that are deserving of their babies, who would be able to give their LO's a safe/healthy home life, and yet they are dealing with IF.  How the fuck is that fair that parasites people like S and her shithead husband can procreate?! There should be some kind of common sense/educational requirement for people to be able to procreate. Babies should not be born with the almost-impossible jobs of keeping their loser parents together, the adults should be able to figure that out before bringing another life into this world...