Why I can't believe, even if I wanted to...

I know that I speak on atheism, a lot.  The thing is that making the transition from Christianity to atheism is really not that simple, and sometimes I feel like I need to hash out my feelings.  Yes, as an atheist, I just don't believe in God, but after being raised in Christianity for so many years, it's not something that I just can shut off all of a sudden.  It's been an adjustment of sorts, but I know it'll take time before I can just divorce myself from so much brainwashing and feel that freedom that I crave.

Dealing with IF and losing my job factor into my atheism probably more than I admit most of the time.  I always wavered when I was growing up, and I had some deep-seated doubts, but these two things knocked me over the edge.  Let's take my infertility, for example.  I remember being in the shower one day (well, one of many) and pleading and begging God to please let me have a baby.  I promised that I would raise my future child in His house, and that I would dedicate him or her to God.  I cried so much that day, that I literally had no more strength left in me.  This was back in September.  I asked God to please bless me with our child for my birthday, since I would be due in May if I had gotten pregnant that month.  A few days later, FF took away my CHs, meaning that once again, I hadn't ovulated.  To add insult to injury, that same day, my sister-in-law called to tell me that my unmarried, high-school senior, 17 year-old niece was pregnant.  Ouch!

Ok, now moving on to losing my job.  Last school year, 2010-2011, the school I was at was going to implement a new program.  It had some meditation practices, relatable to yoga.  I did some research on the man/group presenting the workshop, and I realized that it had a lot to do with Buddhism, which conflicted with my then-Christian beliefs.  I emailed my principal, and told her that it conflicted with my religion and I wanted to opt out.  She didn't give me the option of not participating, but did say that she would allow me to modify the program to my comfort level.  Never in my life had I stood up for Christ so publicly.  Fast forward to May, she hands me a letter saying that she would not be renewing me.  I felt sad, but hey, God would "provide."  I spent all summer interviewing, praying and fasting, and listening for God's will.  I found a job at a great school, and got laid off a month later.  No biggie, God will provide, no?  I fasted again, gave tithes on money that I didn't have, believed in Him, and now here we are back in April and no job. 

Some people say that God works in mysterious ways, but you know what?  I'm tired of the fucking mystery.  I grew tired of the constant testing, and the constant blind faith in a God that simply doesn't answer.  For the two MOST important things I trusted in Him blindly, and if I would've prayed to Peter Pan, I still would've gotten the same result.  I decided that I had enough.  I've had enough of believing in a God that constantly tests those who he "loves."  If a woman was dating a guy that constantly tested her love, and let her down every single time, her loved ones and friends would be telling her to break it off with him.  We'd all tell her that he's no good, and that he's behaving in an abusive way because no one deserves to be constantly tested, and promised things with no delivery....well, that's what happened with me and God.  I got out of an abusive relationship with Him.  I stopped hanging on to his every word waiting for him to deliver a promise, I stopped opening myself to trusting him and being let down time after time.

Would I still be a Christian had things been different?  Probably, but going through two HUGE letdowns was just too much testing for me to bear. I needed that "miracle," that reassurance that He was listening, and nothing.  Needless to say, I feel like I gave God a fair shake, but for my sanity, I couldn't continue to believe.  Going back to my example of the woman and the boyfriend, I couldn't keep getting dressed for a date with my boyfriend, and him not showing up time after time.  He tested me one to many times, especially during a time that I was already "broken," and it was too much.  It does make me very sad because I wish it could've been different, but I do feel free and less dependent.  I do feel sometimes a little bitter that I wasted so much time and made so many bad decisions because of "His guidance," but I take it as a lesson learned to always use reason and logic instead of emotions to make decisions or to create goals/dreams. I consider it a lesson well learned.