Is my mom too nice? When is it enough?

I've always wondered that.  I think because I DO think there's such a thing as being "too nice," I tend to overcompensate and be a little bitchy.  Now, if you ask my friends they'll tell you that I'm funny and very nice, but these are my friends and thus, they don't give me reason to be bitchy.  I'm also not mean to strangers, but I can be mean to people who I "know" and are involved in my life somehow, but I don't consider them friends.  Take J's family, for example.  It's been about 2 and a half years since I've seen/spoken to his one sister and things with his mom are "polite."  I think with them I got to the point where I was being too nice and it came back to bite me in the behind.

Although my relationship with J's mom is considerably improved, especially since we're expecting Baby C, I do notice that it's somewhat strained and that I remain guarded.  I know that I'll never get to the point where I'm being too nice to her because I've been down that road before.  Then when it comes to his sister, I'm at the point that if I never talk to her again, I'll honestly be perfectly fine.  My mom, however, I think she's way too nice to these women and I'm trying my very hardest to not be frustrated and annoyed by it.

Right now, my mom is in the final planning stages of my baby shower.  I'm her only child, so I know that she's very excited to do this for J and I.  We've had some drama because we don't like the same people/things, and I'm really outspoken, but for the most part, I'm totally grateful of her efforts. Now, throughout the entire planning process, she has tried to get J's mom involved with ZERO results.  J's mom keep saying that she'll call my mom, that she'll get back to her, but in the end she never does.  While my mom doesn't outright complain, I know she's frustrated and even a little hurt.  Here's the thing, my mom isn't necessarily expecting J's mom to get super-involved financially, but she would've liked some input on the guest list and maybe an offer of some financial contribution.  Instead, my mom is getting the runaround.  The thing is that if she told my mom, "Listen, thank you for wanting to include me, but I can't get involved right now," NO ONE would be upset or judge her.  It's the, "I'll call you tomorrow," followed up with no phone call and no contact that makes everyone frustrated.  I told my mom not to contact her for the shower anymore, but also not to contact her for something she wanted my mom to do for my other (nice) sister-in-law.  Hey, if my mom's not good enough to contact for one thing, then she's not good enough to be contacted for anything else, right?

I'm not sure what to think, and I go between being a little pissy and a a little "hurt."  I can't say that I'm 100% hurt because I don't really care if J's mom gets involved or not, but I guess I have a weird feeling coming to the realization that, "Wow, she really doesn't like me."  Things like this make it obvious that she probably more just tolerates me.  I can't describe how that feels...maybe I'm disappointed?  I can say, though, that I'm hurt for J.  It really has to sting that your wife's mom would probably give her life for the two of you, yet your mom can't be bothered.  When I ask him he says that he's "used to it," but I think that's awful.  How in the hell do you get used to your mom thinking that your life events are just not that important?  Regardless of how she feels about me, shouldn't she support J and celebrate his victories?  I don't know the answer, but it really seems like a really fucked up way to parent.  I sure as hell don't want to be so shitty to my kid(s).

Selfish T is "happy" this is happening so J can open his eyes to just how shitty and dysfunctional his family is, but loving wife T, truly hurts for him.  Also, future-mommy T is trying to keep her inner lioness at bay, because she'll be damned if she lets this lady hurt her baby(ies) in such a way.  It makes me want to put my walls right back up to protect my family from her disinterest.  I was going out of my way to be extra polite and involve her in our pregnancy process, but now, I feel like it's a huge waste of time.  I can maybe appreciate that she's in a tough spot since her daughter, J's sister, basically hates us and probably hates us even more that our little family is increasing, but I don't know if I see it as a real excuse.  I don't know, I'm just kind of fed up with all the fake and it makes me want to play keep-away with our kid.  I don't want to use our child as a pawn, but I don't see why we'll need to go out of our way to involve her if she can't be bothered to look for us or show some interest.

I don't know how to proceed.  If it was up to me, I would write her off and live my life, but I have a husband to think about.  I need and want to consider his feelings, and she really hasn't been "out there" enough where I feel justified in "telling her off" and cutting her out.  I feel like I'm at the point that I want to start backing away, though.  Like, I don't even want to call her when we're at the hospital and just call her after the baby's born and we're almost ready for the 3 of us to go home.  I think I'm feeling so apprehensive because of self-preservation.  I don't want J to be hurt if his mom doesn't show at the hospital for us, and I don't want to be hurt either.  It's almost like I'd rather not give her the chance to hurt either of us.  Deep down inside, I know that J and I won't be the ones that look bad if she doesn't show up, but I don't think it'll make either of us feel better about it.

Ugh, I really hope I can learn from this and not make the same mistakes with my kid(s)...